Can men and women be 'just friends'?

What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always
Just friends? gets in the way.” ...Harry Burns in When Harry Met Sally

Agreed that men are from Mars and women from Venus, agreed that there is friction between the two and agreed that sexual tension and romantic feelings are bound to creep-in between, but can’t the two ever be ‘just friends’? The concept of platonic friendship
that arose and was largely talked and written from the time of Greek Philosopher Plato still remains as unclear and confusing as ever.

From Adam and Eve down to the present generation, opposite sexes are always ‘meant’ to draw each other, love, fight, produce babies and that’s about it. Or is it? The notion that the two cannot be plain friends seems to be changing, but the question is to what extent?

With women becoming more career oriented and independent, ‘cross-sex’ social and workplace friendships are definitely on the rise. Even the school time or college friendships are known to become stronger with passing time (that is if they don’t blossom into love). When in a group, men and women mix with one another freely, hang-out, share jokes and get along just fine, but when it comes to one-on-one friendship, it surely does get a wee bit tricky. After all there is but a thin line between friendship and love...

Opposites attract

Yes, even in a friendship it’s the opposite traits that attract men and women to get close. It is a common fact that women love to talk. When in their girl-gang, they talk (read gossip) endlessly about everything under the sun - from make-up to men, from career choices to sexual fantasies, from family to friends and from reel stars to real life issues.

Now turn to men and you’ll find most of them glued to the TV watching their favourite sport, downing bottles of beer, drooling over a sexy woman on a magazine cover or wondering why women are so difficult to understand. This may not be all that men and women do, but it surely does come close. So when men and women mingle as friends they grab a fair share of what they miss out in their same-sex circles.

“I have a couple of guy friends that I am really close to and there is nothing hanky-panky. I guess I like being with them because they are more fun. It’s more chilled out and relaxed. I can say whatever without wondering if it’s going to hurt someone. You know with just girls there is too much ‘khit-khit’ over nothing”, says Garima Sarkar, an engineer. She goes onto add, “Women can sometimes be very bitchy and says things behind your back but men say it on your face. That’s much better.”

She’s not the only one. Shruti Bhatnagar who works in the marketing wing of an MNC agrees, “My guy friend Amit is almost like a relief from my female friends. No ‘rona dhona’, no issues over small matters, just good fun. I know if I pull his leg or joke around, he won’t sulk about it and yes, he’s never judgmental”. Shruti goes on to add, “With him I can bring out my fun side. I can crack dirty jokes, laugh at Hindi abuses, talk about sports etc, it’s much more easy going.”

Ask any girl who has consoled a heart-broken friend over endless phone calls and she’ll tell you that female friends do come with lots of emotional baggage and being with a guy acts as a breath of fresh air at times. The case with men isn’t too different either.

“When I have a fight at home or a problem at work place, it’s difficult to talk to my male pals about it, as I feel they’ll think of me as a sissy. But my friend Archana is a real sweetheart. She listens to it all and is always ready with advice without making me feel small”, says banker Rohit Kapur. He adds cheekily, “Plus, she always helps me out when trying to get a date with someone; trust me she always knows what I should say and do”. Shruti sums it up by saying, “At the end of the day, it’s all about compatibility. If you can click with people it doesn’t matter what sex they belong to.”

Love thy friend?

While what Shruti says is quite valid, the thought of the whole male-female chemistry igniting is always thought lurking at the back of one’s mind. Take for instance the story of Monica and Chandler from the popular American series Friends . Starting off as good friends, their intimacy eventually was shown maturing into love.

Look closer home and you’ll find endless Bollywood movies that show childhood ‘just good friends’ growing up to be lovers. If a movie like Dil to Pagal Hai tried to prove that a man and woman can be just friends, the movie Kuch Kuch Hota Hai proved otherwise with King Khan eventually falling in love with ‘friend’ Kajol. If movies and serials are a reflection of our societal trends then this surely does reflect something.

“Remember Maine Pyar Kiya ? Even though the two characters claimed to be just friends, didn’t they end up falling in love? I think it’s quite common; my best friend fell in love with his school time girl pal and they are married now”, says management student Karan Sharma. Garima agrees, “One can’t ignore that possibility at all. What also happens is that one of the two falls for the other, but it shouldn’t affect the friendship, which it normally does in most cases.”

Shikha Bhasin, a final year Delhi University student however feels differently, “I have had a male friend for 16 years now and we are very close, but neither of us can imagine the other in a romantic way at all. It’s so repulsive to think that way. We talk about sex and romance very freely without any sub-conscious attraction to one another”. She adds, “It’s silly to fall for a friend as then you’ll lose the compatibility and issues will start cropping up. A cross-sex friendship is always more fun and please let it stay that way, don’t bring romance in it to spoil it all.”

Wagging tongues

Maybe one shouldn’t spoil a good friendship by bringing romance in it or maybe good friendships turn into good romances, but questions arise only when other people start talking. What happens to an otherwise healthy platonic friendship when tongues start wagging and suspicions about the ‘real’ sense of that friendship do the rounds?

“Typically stuff like this is bound to happen”, says Garima. But she is quick to add, “What people say shouldn’t affect your friendship. I know if I am clean and so is my guy friends then it doesn’t matter what any Tom, Dick and Harry thinks.” But some relationships do go sour under such external pressure.

Shruti shares an example. “This female colleague of mine broke-up with her really good male friend just because people at work were talking crap and it was getting really embarrassing for her.” Ask Shruti what she would have done in that case and pat comes the reply. “I would never give a damn to what some backward people think. It’s so common to have a cross-sex friend, what’s wrong in that?”

Kapur feels the same. “People love to dig at such relationships. A lot of people probed into my friendship with Archana too, but we don’t care, in fact we laugh it off.”

Of course, it is easier to ‘laugh it off’ when you are single
. But what happens when a cross-sex friendship develops between married people. Does it become a root cause for jealousy and broken homes?

“I’m sure though my friends had a friendship that changed into love, they will not tolerate their spouse having a close cross-sex friendship”, says Sharma. He doesn’t fail to add, “if my guy friend has a new female friend and especially a good looking one then his wife will surely get jealous and won’t see anything platonic in that!” he adds mischievously.

So be it opposite natures that attract men and women to be friends or just plain compatibility, cross-sex friendships do happen and most times both friends cherish it more than a same-sex one. Though even today eye-brows do rise when a girl hugs her guy friend and falling in love with your ‘friend’ is a possibility, there is still a lot to look forward to when two people from the opposite sex become ‘just friends’.

courtesy:TOI